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| Rebekka's Column |
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| POOPING! |
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"I'm gonna try again!"
I shout this public announcement on my way to the bathroom. This is day three and still no relief. I sit and bear down with all my might in hopes of something more than a rabbit pellet, while trying not to burst a blood vessel. I push so hard my bum hole puckers and it hurts something fierce, but not a nugget. I then begin a meditative séance of sorts trying to relax
my mind and my bowels, praying for that natural wonderful occurrence that has abandoned me. I try to focus on my intestines and even gently rubbing downward on my swollen tummy. Still nothing.
I prop my feet up on the tub in front of me trying to give my body a better angle in which to evacuate and just sit for awhile. When my feet begin to fall asleep I realize that I have been defeated and remove myself from the throne. As I walk into the living room my partner looks up at me and with his eyes alone, asks "How did you do, Honey?"
Before His tongue asks what his eyes have already asked, I hang my head and say, "Nothing, no poo." |
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Going "poo" has become a daily topic in my life and now in the home I share with my husband. The Poo topic came to have so much power in my life after I was diagnosed with HIV and it has manifested itself in different ways with each and every new introduction of medications. I have delved into a world of high fiber, gas pills, super dieters teas, natural internal cleansing systems and enemas. Reading remedies and literature up the wazoo! Playing the role of natural healer and doctor of the human digestive tract. Sometimes with great success and others total failure.
Next week I have an appointment with a real live gastro intestinal doctor to go probing where no man has gone… well, that's not exactly true. Anyway he will be exploring my 40 some odd feet of winding intestinal road!
In the 80's, my body and virus were introduced to AZT! Not the standard couple of pills as we know today in our combinations, back then it was given to me in high doses, several tiny blue and white pills with cute little ponies, three times a day. The side effects were many. Nausea, neuropathy, fatigue and an overall feeling of Super Yuck. Nonetheless, I was soon off to New York City for a reading of an Off, Off Broadway Play. It was here I had my first incident of "I Cannot Poo."
So, I took some Ex-Lax to try and get some relief. I patiently waited and waited some more, but had no luck. After a couple of days when nothing happened, I began to worry. Oh, my god, what if I can't go, ever? Will I explode? I had no interest in finding out how long I would last, so I went to a Doctor in the City.
I was not as open then about my bodily functions as I am now. In fact, I was embarrassed while trying to explain my ailment. He instructed me to take off my clothes and undergarments and put on this smock. When he returned, he told me to bend over the medical table so he could examine me. With his gloved and gooey fingers he penetrated my butt and felt around. I wanted to shrivel up as he calmly explained to me exactly what he was doing and what he was looking for.
In my head I was just thinking, "Hurry up, this is so gross," when he stopped and asked me to have a seat. I am sure I was beet red as he began the questions.
"Have you ever stuck anything inside your rectum?"
"Excuse Me?"
"Have you ever put foreign objects up inside you?"
"You mean have I ever had anal sex?"
"No, what I felt in there was very hard like rocks". Oh no, he was not asking me if I had stuck rocks up my butt! What kind of freak does he think I am!
"No! I have never put anything in there."
"Well, then the fecal matter is extremely impacted," he said as he handed me a paper towel and told me to clean up and get dressed. He gave me some suppositories and sent me on my way.
It was at that point that I became a regular purchaser of laxatives. I would wait a few days until it became unbearable, then plan my day around unrestricted access to a toilet, time my ingestion of the formula of the week and wait.
Now, I am sure you can imagine that the Laxative field is not an exact science. Needless to say, this put me on a mission to find an appropriate bathroom on more than a few occasions. Yes, Public Bathrooms… don't get me started, that's a whole 'nother column.
My next treatment was DDI, no poo problems, just a steadily enlarging pancreas. After near rupture of my pancreas I went on a combo, which contained Viracept. No problem with Pooing here! In fact, I went everyday. At this point my problem went to the opposite end of the spectrum. Now I could not keep from pooing.
It was not regular poo, it was a watery dysentery-like explosion. I found that just the right combination of Licorice, Gummy Bears and Pretzels would slow down the flow! Then came the cocktail with Crixivan! Can we say ouch?! Not only was I sicker from a pill than I had ever been, but I could not shit on my own to save my life!
One time a friend of mine in New England made the comment to me that I looked about three months pregnant. You see, I hated having to manually relieve myself at this point and it was very painful when I did. So I had began to push the envelope as to how long I could go without outside help. And to top it off my skin had sores and my hair was falling out. I had reached a low point for sure, I mean it just seemed as that I was falling apart, piece by piece.
It was then brought to my attention that the reason I couldn't poo was because my digestive enzymes were being destroyed by my virus as well as the meds and just as important; at that point, I realized that I was too vain for this AIDS stuff! I mean come on; a girl's gotta look good right? Pregnant with Poo doesn't really fit into that plan.
Well, not having a plethora of choices, I stuck with it for a little while longer and then, thank god, I became severely anemic from that cocktail and was taken off it and put on the one I am currently taking.
Obviously, I am not out of the woods with my Poo dilemma but on top of my vegetarian diet, I have tried some amazing products that have helped tremendously! I naturally cleanse and replace flora with digestive care products by Renew Life (www.renewlife.com). I think about what it is that I can eat before I eat it. Cheese scares me. I am wary of the protein. Give me more roughage is a mantra! So, I guess what I am trying to say is that there are many, many different fronts on which this battle must be fought, that the statement "Oh, isn't it like diabetes now?" is bullshit and that the concept of this disease being manageable is a crock.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am not ungrateful for the time and life I have been extended but sometimes it's really hard to stop and smell the roses when my life is consumed by things like "When am I going to go poo!" |
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HIV/AIDS Information